"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
