He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
