look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
