capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
