So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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