; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
