nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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