The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
