my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
