The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
