I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
