i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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