my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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