I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
