and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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