Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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