please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
