I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
