I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
