I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Do vagina's smell?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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