So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
