He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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