If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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