I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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