I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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