So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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