So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
