I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
