The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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