I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
