and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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