I wish I could teleport
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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