He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
