I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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