4 words: hood of his car
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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