It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
