My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
