FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
