Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
