I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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