I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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