She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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