i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
