Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
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I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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