man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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