There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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