Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
