I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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