I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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