I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
