and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
