can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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