you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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