I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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