I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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