I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
