JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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