if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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