I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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