So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
